Back again with another interview for Before I Had a Seven Year Old, a series where I ask moms of older children about their experiences as new mothers. 

A few weeks into starting this series a reader reached out to me and asked if I was planning on having someone contribute who maybe...didn't have a bzillion children??? And I was totally pegged. So I thought she very much had a point and decided to remedy that! Today we have Annie of Annery at Home.

Annie is a wife of 10 years, mom of nine years, and an instructional designer.  That's a really fancy way of saying sometimes she designs training for companies instead of putting away the laundry.  She and her husband are foster parents and have struggled with secondary infertility for more than 8 years.

How many kids do you have?  How old are they?
Right now, we have three children living with us.  Our bio babies are LB, age 9 and SP, age 2.

We also had a foster daughter from July 18, 2011 to December 20, 2013 whom we raised from birth. Eight months after she was sent to a birth parent, we took another foster daughter, who is 3.

No face photos to protect her privacy, but trust me, she's a cutie!

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles?
My oldest was super colicky, super high strung, super stubborn (we're still working on a couple of those). The first five years with her were extraordinarily difficult in terms of emotional energy (especially since we were struggling with not being able to conceive). She was 6 when we got a foster placement for the first time and 7 when we had her younger sister.

She is very, very helpful. The single biggest difference between before 7 and after 7 (aside from going from one to three kiddos in a year) was the level of help she could provide. Right around 5, I noticed we turned the corner from needing to keep her busy so I could get something done to putting her to work next to me.

Now, life is busy, but so much easier in little ways that add up. LB can heat up a couple waffles or pour a bowl of cereal...not just for herself, for the littles too. I can finish getting my shoes on while she helps put little shoes on. I can grab snacks while she helps a toddler buckle in. So. Much. Helpfulness.

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles?
Honestly, I like my kids more the older they get. If I had to pick something though, it would be that solid window of alone time in the afternoon during nap time (when she wasn't screaming and fighting it). Although, it's hard to say I miss that since that's now the time of day LB does chores and I really prefer having the help over the alone time.



If you could go back and tell your new mom self something, what would it be?
Don't feel guilty about napping.



How do/did you conquer nap strikes?
Napping just got a little more challenging around here with the arrival of a new toddler to share SP's room, and nap schedule. The most successful way we've conquered the goofing around at naptime is to sit in the room for about 5-10 minutes while the toddlers are falling asleep. I'm part of a book club and have a hard time finding the time to read the book, so I usually read for my book club book during this time.

I've taught the 3 y/o to sneak out while the 2 y/o stays asleep about another hour, then at night, the 3 y/o lays down about an hour earlier so they aren't up to nonsense all night long.

LB was an infamous nap striker. I found her sleeping half-standing leaned up against a chair or her bed as much as I found her in her bed at naptime. My strategy is to keep very little in the room, make them stay in the room and if they make a tornado, they'll be assisting in clean up AFTER naptime. When LB got old enough that she was only napping about half the time, I instituted a rule that she had to lay down for the length of one CD. We checked out a lot of children's books on CD from the library and she worked her way through a lot of them at naptime.  I think that's contributed to her love of literature now.

How has your marriage changed since having children?
It seems like all of our married life has been with kids. LB was born after 15 months of marriage, so most of the last 10 years, we've had company.

The biggest change has been in learning to conquer adversity and weather the storm together through sleepless nights, infertility, and loss. I couldn't have known how much we would need each other to just get through the day before kids.

It's also made it trickier to find alone time. We went to Germany for 10 days this summer for my work, and it was the first time we'd been alone for an extended period of time in years. I was surprised at how much I missed the kids, but it was nice having that time to reconnect.

Describe a moment where you definitely did not have it all together.
Recently? Our foster daughter's school had a child with lice. I absolutely lost my mind. I threw away everything they sent home for us to clean (it was our/her stuff), treated everyone in the family (even though she didn't actually have it, ergo none of us did), washed all bedding, all stuffed animals, sprayed down the house, generally went defcon 5 on it.

All the while I was doing it, I knew I was over-reacting, but I've never been so grateful for the super-hot sanitize function on my dryer. I'm still seriously considering taking all the clothes out of the closet and running them through the dryer.

In general? I almost always forget one thing I need. If someone is potty training, I probably do NOT have the emergency outfit in my purse. If someone is poopy, the wipes are probably in the other car.


How did you build community for yourself and your family?
This one has been tricky for me. When I had an only, especially when she was very young, it was really lonely. My best friend moved to Texas when my daughter was 8 months old (and finally moved back 8 years later - hooray!). I was alone with a young baby/toddler a lot.

When LB went to 3 y/o preschool, I still felt like it was hard to fit in. Everyone either had lots of kids, or was congratulating me on my "wise" decision to stick with one because they're just so much work. That was one of the hardest times in our infertility, because we weren't actively telling people. Now, when I get the questions about whether we're two and through, I always say that it took us seven years of trying to get our second, so we expect the third to be along for my 40th birthday. That joking way of telling them, "hey, it's not automatic for everyone!" seems to be the kindest way I've found of getting that point across.

Finally, when LB was 4, we decided (for a number of reasons) to homeschool. That is when I felt like I found my community. All these kids and moms who liked having their kids around all day. With an only child, I felt a heavy weight of needing to soak in her childhood, because her life/childhood might have been my only experience of that as a mother. I wanted to soak up every minute, to watch her learn and grow right in front of me.

It was hard for her to learn to read, but I was the one who got to see that click, and it was worth every hard day that came before it.

When we started homeschooling, suddenly, we were surrounded by a built-in network of all these other mothers and children who were around during the day, doing things with their kids, and generally enjoying themselves while doing it.

As an introvert, it's still an effort for me to make friends (and I'm learning to step up and make that effort more!), but having that surrounding network of ready-made community was a huge step towards finding my place in this world as a mother.

Blogging has also been a way I've built community, a community that is deeply personal and meaningful. I have built friendships with women who are struggling down the same road I'm on, who are new moms and trying to figure it out, who are veteran moms, all of them. We come together in faith and with a joint love for our families, and the common experience of trying to figure out how to be who God made us to be. My fellow bloggers are amazing, and one of the best "side effects" of telling my story in my own little corner of the blogosphere has been finding these other amazing women doing the same thing.

What was the hardest transition after having a newborn? 0 to 1? 1 to 2?
Zero to one was an especially difficult transition, but I think the hardest was one to two. There was a six year gap between LB and our first foster daughter.

When you only have a six-year old, you sleep in on Saturdays while they rummage for cereal and watch cartoons. They open their own car door and buckle themselves in. They can be trusted to walk next to a shopping cart without pulling items off a shelf. They can carry on conversations and roam relatively freely at play dates.

When you have an easy-going six year old, people will readily take your child places for extended periods of time. Aunts and uncles are happy to do sleepovers and take them to the zoo.

When you've been so softened by the easy life of just one well-behaved six year old, having a newborn with drug and alcohol exposure on two-hour's notice is kind of like running full speed into brick wall. But more painful, with much more crying and sleeplessness.

After we had been so used to sleeping well and sleeping in, we brought home a newborn. She didn't sleep for seven months. Every hour, she would be up and crying. With all the heartbreak we went through over losing her, I am so aware of how she needed us during that time. We changed her life forever by getting her through those first rough times.

I think the difficulty was compounded by having another baby 10 months after we brought our foster daughter home. I didn't get a full night's sleep for at least 2 years. I'm not one of those people who can perform well without sleep, so it was especially difficult. I never pulled all-nighter's in college, I'm always early to bed. That time was one of the most sleep-deprived, yet rewarding times in our lives.

A special note for moms of onlys or few

I felt such a pressure to imprint everything into my brain, to savor every moment.  Infertility magnified those feelings. As I look at my nine year old now, I'm reminded of those days when I felt such pressure that every day be so amazing and memorable. Now, I remember how much joy she brings me with each passing year. As tragically painful as getting rid of baby and toddler items is, I enjoy her more each year. There are so many that croak, "just wait until she's a teenager!", but I don't just love my girl, I like being around her. I don't buy into the myth that she must magically become a horrible human being for seven years. She'll still be her, just going through some things/hormones that might make her a crankier version.


Don't be afraid to let go of the baby or toddler to embrace the older kid in front of you. They're pretty awesome.

When you have to purge some stuff that makes you cry, send me a note and we'll cry about how awful it is together, because it seriously is. But, just know, every next step is something great. God will reward your openness to His plan, even if it doesn't include more babies, there will still be much fruit. Don't feel guilty that you might have an easier time of it as a mom because you're not feeling overwhelmed, God always gives us consolations in our suffering.

I'll still cry when I put away baby clothes, but greater times are still to come. Call me when you need to cry about it, I'll shed a tear with you.

Thanks so much to Annie for being here today! And you can find the whole lot of Before I Had a Seven Year Old posts here. 

Before I Had a Seven Year Old: Susan of Sole Searching Mama

Today I'm welcoming Susan for an installment in the Before I Had a Seven Year Old series. Susan writes at the lovely Sole Searching Mama about pounding pavement and the sugar and spice of mothering six boys. I'm so excited to have her sharing some of her early parenting stories (which just *might* include shattering a mug against a wall) here today!!!!

How many kids do you have and how old are they?
We have 6 boys, ages 13, 11, 9, 7, 3 and 12 weeks

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles?
One big difference is that the older boys are able to share in many of the responsibilities of daily family life, which is an incredible help to me. I am still very busy as a mom, with a large family there are many activities to attend, homeschooling requires significant time and attention, and of course the household chores are never-ending. But, when the older boys are able to help clean, do dishes, bathe younger siblings or fold laundry, I don’t feel quite as overwhelmed, knowing I can count on them! Another difference is that my husband and I really have to work together as a team to meet the needs and goals of children of such varying ages. For example, our oldest sons may want to do more challenging activities such as hunting, fishing or four-wheeling, things that the little ones cannot participate in. And, the little ones need to have the opportunity to do those things which the big kids would not enjoy as much such as playing at the park. So, we have to work together to teach all of the children to be patient with one another and to accept that in a large family there will always be a lot of give and take.

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles?
I miss napping with them! And, I also miss how simple our days were - yes, there were many chores to attend to back then as well, but aside from cleaning and laundry, there was plenty of precious time for play-dates with other families, sitting down to read great big piles of our favorite books, and best of all being outdoors playing in the yard, riding bikes, exploring, etc.

What are some things you did with your first baby that in hindsight seem a little ridiculous?
Oh, my! Where do I begin??!! I think just trying to be that “textbook” mom who does everything right step-by-step was completely ridiculous! There is an enormous learning curve to being a first-time mom, especially for those of us who never had the opportunity to gain some mothering experience by helping our own moms raise little siblings. I worried and fussed way too much over everything with our firstborn, I even insisted that we have a wipe warmer for those sweet baby buns and that I make his own organic baby food. Who was that girl, and what was she thinking?!

What's something you stressed about that doesn't stress you out at all anymore?
The #1 thing that stressed me out was trying to please everyone around me. I really bought into the idea that if everyone else approved of the way I was caring for my child, from what he ate to how often he napped, that I must be doing a great job as a mom. If they disapproved or disagreed, then I must be failing. I think that deep down I feared that because I chose to stay home instead of taking the career path, that people would think I was taking the “easy” path in life, therefore I had to prove that I could do this “easy” job. My anxiety over everyone else’s opinions of me caused a great deal of self-imposed worry and stress that was truly unnecessary. I wish I could go back and tell myself to trust my instincts, to listen only to the seasoned experts who share their wisdom with loving concern for me and my child and to relax and enjoy the journey!

Describe a moment, if you can remember one, where you definitely did not have it together.
I remember a very specific time a couple of years ago when life on the farm was very hectic. I was trying to manage everything at home while Steve was working tremendously long hours. At the end of “one of those days” with the boys, they had literally stepped on my last nerve. In my moment of frustration, while cleaning up the kitchen, I threw a coffee mug at the wall (the boys were in another room). Honestly, hearing it shatter released a load of anxiety, but when I realized my 7 year old saw me do it, I felt regret for being such a poor example to him. That was probably about the time when I discovered the benefits that a glass of wine can offer!!

How do you conquer nap strikes? 
Thankfully, most of my boys have all been great nappers, but my 3 year old is currently at a stage where he doesn’t want to nap anymore. I have found that the only way to ensure that we all get that 30 minutes - 1 hour of quiet time every afternoon for rest, reading, prayer etc., is for me to be consistent with my expectations of him. Some days I have to put him back in his room 10 times, which is exhausting, but he’s starting to figure out that I’m not going to budge! This is also one area where I don’t mind offering rewards to our kids if they nap. Since we don’t enjoy sweets very often, sometimes it’s a piece of gum, a small piece of candy, or giving them the option to watch a 30 minute show of their choice works well, too. Lucky for me, these small things are still enough incentive to get them to stay in their rooms for the duration of our “quiet time.”

How did you find time to encourage your marriage?
Just two weeks after saying “I do!” we found out we were expecting. Our first and second sons are only 17 months apart, so all of our time and attention was focused on babies, work and survival for the first few years of our marriage. Over time, however, we have realized that we need to nurture our marriage just as much as we need to nurture our family! We try to get away together for a weekend at least once a year, which is always nice, but honestly, it’s knowing how to seize the little moments during the day that are the secret to staying connected. Whether it’s pausing from daily chores for a long hug and a few words of appreciation or letting the dishes go in the evening so we can sit outside and visit while the kids play during the evening, those simple opportunities really do add up and have a great way of strengthening our marriage. I also like to leave notes in Steve’s truck that he can see as he heads off to work, and we text and call each other during the day. It’s fun to be flirty during in the midst of the craziness of parenthood!

What was your hardest transition after having a newborn? 0 to 1 kid? 1 to 2? Why?
For me the hardest transition was definitely from 2 to 3. The reason for this was really an issue of pride - my pride - had to be broken! I felt like I could handle everything that came with just two littles. I had the time, energy and will to take care of the children as well as the housekeeping, laundry, errands and bill paying all by myself. I really didn’t ever ask Steve for help with these things. Then, after our third son was born, I remember one morning I was struggling to get everyone ready for church (while Steve was doing who-knows-what). Time was running out and my hair was wet, I wasn’t dressed, the baby had a blow out and still needed to nurse. I was reduced to tears and sat crying on the nursery floor when my husband came in and said, “Honey, do you need some help? Just ask!” Of course my pride was screaming, “Why don’t you just take notice and offer to help!” But, I soon realized that as wives and mothers we have to make our needs known and trust that those who love us will be understanding and ready to help when we ask.

If you could go back and tell something to your newmom self, what would it be?
I would tell that girl to RELAX! Enjoy the journey! Don’t worry too much about what other’s think you should be doing as a mother. Savor that precious time with your little ones because, when they get older and have so many activities and responsibilities that require you do be stretched in different directions, you will miss the simplicity of life. You will miss their sweet “littleness.” Opportunities for napping together, going for nature walks, playing games, doing crafts and reading books will become fewer and fewer, and you will miss those early days so very much!

Thank you so much to Susan!!! 

If you're interested in reading more Before I Had a Seven Year Old posts you can find a whole heap of them right HERE.

Before I Had a Seven Year Old: Dwija of House Unseen

It's 7:15am. Jacob is currently making baked oatmeal muffins while watching both children, so I can get this post up. I'm perched on our bed - strategically missing the pee spot that our little cosleeping angel left us last night. Jake is yelling (he is a MORNING person) about the day's discoveries (BAKING POWDER IS FOR BAKING!!!!!) And I'm once again musing about how parenting is the most fun and the most trying thing I've ever done.

So it is with great delight that I bring you today's Before I Had Seven Year Old in the words of one of my (and probably your) favorite bloggers: Dwija of House Unseen, Life Unscripted. I've always felt a kinship for Dwija because I imagine we have a similar Catholic conversion story that goes something like: Once upon a time I went to the University of Dallas. She is here today, talking about her parenting early years, and I'm so excited about it. I've already read the whole thing out loud to Jacob.

How many kids do you have and how old are they?
We're raising 6 kids in our house right now, and by raising I of course mean "mainly trying to keep alive." The age/gender list goes like this: girl, 13; girl, 12; boy, 7; girl, 4; girl, 2; boy 3 months.

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles?
It's hard to decide which one of the many biggest differences to note here, but I guess the most important one to me is that I don't feel like it's me fighting a losing battle against a tiny army anymore. I don't feel alone. The loneliness, the mental game of all small kids, is the hardest thing for me. As soon as I started feeling like I had Team Reasonable to combat Team ThrowAFit, life started seeming way more manageable.

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles?
This is a really hard question to answer because having my big kids around is SUCH A JOY. I mean...I can't even use words to convey how great it is. But I guess if pressed I would say that having the house to myself or ourselves for many hours every evening is something that doesn't exist anymore. My big girls are awake until 10:30 or so every night, so I can squeeze in maybe an hour of alone quiet time if I want a reasonable amount of sleep and two or three hours if I'm happy to rock the bloodshot eyes the next morning.

What was your hardest transition after having a newborn? 0 to 1 kid? 1 to 2? 6 to 7? Why?

Oh girl. I have to take my watch off to answer this one. My transition from being a working mom to being a stay at home mom happened when we had our third baby (you can read more about that mess right here if you want) and it. was. brutal. First of all, it was crazy to go from having two kids, which you can sort of manage with mom and dad vs. teeny and tiny, to having three, which requires "zone defense" or something. I used quotation marks around that phrase because I don't really know what zone defense means except you ain't got enough players on your team and life pretty much sucks. But in HINDSIGHT (capitalized to indicate that everything makes sense in hindsight but you have to survive first in order to get it. Tricky tricky.) the problem was really that I could micro-manage every detail of two peoples' lives, but when a third got added in, all my systems and control freak methods went on the fritz and I was seriously at a loss. How am I going to micromanage and schedule and hover over three people at the same time?!!? I don't have to tell you what the answer to that question was. Anyway, I guess the point is that so often the struggles in my life are rooted in my preferences and demands and not so much in what's actually going on, you know? Once I stopped preferring that the impossible become possible, life got a whole lot more fun.

How do you conquer nap strikes?
This is tricky. So much of parenting is tricky. I guess now that I've met so many different kid personalities, I know enough to say that I can't always say how I'll handle them. Some kids you just need to push through. Let them stay in their crib, even if they're playing, for two hours and then go retrieve them and pretend like they had a nap. Some kids won't play, though. Some will scream and scream and scream, and their faces will get red and they kinda start gagging like they're gonna throw up and no, I just....can't leave them alone like that. I gotta go and soothe or help or chat. Give them a drink. Something. Maybe those kids are extroverts with quality time as their love language compounded by their lack of or need for lots and lots of sleep. For that kind of kid, being in a room alone to them might be actually a little terrifying. And before I ramble further, can I say that I hate that I'm writing this? I used to pride myself in ruling with an iron nap fist! But God is clever, as always, and provided me with a couple of lovely opportunities for sympathy and kindness and I got over my obsession with "everybody napping for 2 hours a day every day until the age of 5, no exceptions." I used to say that when I had two kids. I'm glad you didn't know me then.

How did you build community for yourself and for your family?
We hit the jackpot at our current parish. There are so many families there - families with a few kids, families with lots of kids. Older kids, younger kids, adult kids, newborns. But in order to take advantage of that, to become a part of that, I had to push myself out of my learned comfort zone a bit. I wrote a little thang that I called Confessions of a Closet Shy Girl the other day because I really used to not be good at making friends and now I feel like the most friend-blessed person in the world....and it makes life lovely. And I want others to experience that too. Oh, and also - saying "yes." Someone you barely know invites you to a bonfire? Say yes. Someone you just met is organizing an underwater basketweaving seminar? Go. You hear about a St. Martha's Day party with competitive vacuuming on the schedule? Doooooooo iiiiiiiiiit. Even if the thing doesn't turn out to be that fun, you and other people can commiserate about how un-fun that day was and can you believe that's the first day we met? So glad I went to that.

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Now here is a bit that doesn't have a question to go with it, but I wanted to share it because it is just so apt. When I first got the email invitation to participate in this series, my son Paul was 6. Since that time he has turned 7 (in August, if you're taking notes) and almost from one day to the next, from age 6 to age 7, he suddenly became so much more helpful. It was really remarkable for me to take note of the transition in light of this discussion. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's still a scatterbrained little boy, and I like it that way. But he can get things and put things away and check on things and be trusted with stuff that just a few months ago I know he wouldn't have been able or willing to do. He made the leap from "little kid" to "big kid" seemingly overnight, and I am so grateful.

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Thank you SO SO much to Dwija for participating in Before I Had a Seven Year Old! Head here to read the other posts in the series!

Before I Had a Seven Year Old: Kathryn of Team Whitaker

We're back for another installment of Before I Had a Seven Year Old - my series where moms of slightly older kids talk about their experiences as mothers of only littles. Today we get to hear from Kathryn of Team Whitaker. Most of you will already be familiar with her, but for those who aren't you should check out her posts on surviving the NICU with their fifth child. If you like Before and Afters (cough...Jessie) then you can glut yourself here. Or perhaps be inspired by some of her organizational tips. I'm very excited to have Kathryn with us today!!   

How many kids do you have and how old are they? 

I have six great kids, Will (13), John Paul (10), Anna-Laura (9), Clare (7), Luke (4) and Gianna (4 months).

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles? 

Helpers! And, a serious amount of carpool. Instead of me having to wipe all the hineys, fix all the meals, fold all the laundry, dress all the people and assist with all the homework, I now have some fantastic assistants. In the early days I remember falling into bed exhausted from all the things I did throughout the day. I felt so very isolated when my husband went off to work. Seeing friends was so difficult back then. It felt like such a chore to get everyone up, ready and out the door. Now, even though we have an army of kids, I now have an army of helpers which makes all the difference. We spend a decent amount of time in the van heading to different activities and while it's mostly great, we call it our other house. My kids even suggested, "Hey Mom, if we got a bathroom in here, it would be perfect." Yeah, that and a vacuum cleaner. Oh, and we have lots more birthdays, but that's okay, because you've never met a bigger fan of birthdays than me. True story.

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles? 

I miss the simplicity. While we try to do activities together as a family, like 4-H, my kids have varied interests and activities. As they get older, that translates to more schoolwork, more extracurriculars and more places to be. We really rein in a great deal and say no to lots of things, but we're still busy. That's life. Back before any of our kids made First Communion, life was just simpler. There was no eating in dinner shifts to accommodate things like baseball practice. We also had everyone in bed by 7:30 and the rest of the evening to ourselves. WHAT? I don't even know what that life is like anymore. But, BUT I do so love this season of parenthood. My kids are growing up and the conversations we're having are priceless. I mean, when my oldest asked why we don't eat at Hooters, our conversation ended with him saying, "When I am President, I will shut down all the Hooters!" Will for President 2044.

What are some things you did with your first baby that in hindsight seem a little ridiculous? 

Oh man, this is a good one. Wasn't everything we did ridiculous? My diaper bag was a backpack and carried twelve diapers, four outfits, a shirt for me, two packages of wipes and a half dozen toys. Now, I'm lucky to walk out the door with my driver's license. Naptime was quite the 45-minute production. Who was that Kathryn because she had WAY too much time on her hands! Now, it's a "It's naptime!" followed by a kiss and hug and a walk out the door. Bottom line? I just over-thought everything. I just don't him time to over-think things now!

What's one specific thing you're glad that you've taught your older children? 

Be a problem-solver. In the early days, when a fight would erupt, I was quick to solve the problem, figure out who the instigator was and then enforce discipline. Now, unless it involves blood or bullying, my standard response is, "Well, you should probably go talk to {insert sibling name here} and work it out." We're big advocates of teaching our kids how to work things out themselves. When they ask or if they're stuck on a solution, we give them some options to choose from to mediate the situation, letting them come to some natural and logical conclusions on their own. WARNING: This is not something you teach overnight, nor in the produce aisle at HEB. It takes time and a healthy dose of patience, but it will pay dividends in the future.

How did you build community for yourself and for your family? 

For everything in parenthood, there is a season. Early on, I assumed that friends I made when my first-born was little would be my friends for life. And, while some of them have remained close, I neglected to consider that my kids would grow and change (as would I) and it wouldn't necessarily be the same growth as those friends. AND THAT'S OKAY. I'm a firm believer that God puts different people into your life during different seasons. Our charge is to choose those that build us up rather than those that tear us down. You have to walk away from the toxic and drama-filled relationships and invest your time into those that nurture your spirituality and bring you closer to Christ. I've found great community in our neighborhood, our parish and through our kids' activities. Not all our friends are Catholic, but they are loving people who want the best for their kids. We never hide our faith, but we don't discriminate our friends because of it.

What was your hardest transition after having a newborn? 0 to 1 kid? 1 to 2? 6 to 7? Why? 

That's an easy one, 1 to 2. With one, while there was definitely some major role shifting and I left my full-time job in the communications field, we had an awesome community at our church and neighborhood. That made all the difference. With the second baby, we had just made a major move, I didn't know many folks and he was such a hard baby - colic and reflux. It was brutal. I remember sitting on the couch one afternoon when he was just a few weeks old. I looked at my husband with tear-filled eyes and said, "I cannot have anymore children. I can't." Aaaand, now we have six kids. Proof that you should never make big life decisions when you're sleep-deprived. Kid 4 to 5 was probably the most drama-filled, but primarily because he was a preemie. Another blog post, another day on that one.

If you could go back and tell something to your new mom self, what would it be? 

Listen to all the advice and only practice about 10% of it. Whether you breast or bottle-feed, choose cloth or disposable, co-sleep or not, start solids at 6 months or later, use baby sign language or choose public/private over homeschool - NONE of it matters. Really and truly, it doesn't. As my mom reminded me many years ago and a Bishop we love is known for saying, "you'll bloom where you're planted." Focus on the big things, how your family practices its faith, how you instill self-worth and love within your children, how you practice charity and stewardship - THOSE matter. And, stand your ground on the things you're passionate about. Don't cave just because it's your best friend or a mom or mother-in-law who questions your choice. Always lean on your husband and make choices that are best for your family. Give it all you have and when you're tapped out, coast on God.

Thank you so much to Kathryn! And if you want to check out more moms of older kids throwing back to their early years VISIT HERE.

Before I Had a Seven Year Old: Kelly of This Ain't the Lyceum

Kelly of This Ain't the Lyceum is here today for this episode of Before I Had a Seven Year Old. If you aren't familiar with Kelly, the rapping homesteader that she is, you probably need to stop your life and acquaint yourself with her blog. And if you haven't checked out her son rockin' the waves in his new chair, it's a must MUST.

How many kids do you have and how old are they?

Five, Addie 11, Byron 10, Edith 8, Fulton 6 and Teddy 3.

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles?I don’t have to do everything myself during the day. My older kids unload the dishwasher, clear the table, collect eggs from the hen house, walk the dog, sweep, make themselves meals, etc., etc. If one of my older kids wants something THEY CAN GET IT THEMSELVES. Even if it’s up high, they get out the stepstool. Older kids are also great for getting things for younger kids. So while I don’t get to lounge around all day and eat bon bons, it’s HUGE having so many kids capable of doing things for themselves and others.

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles?

I need to copycat Kendra here and say the freedom. You can breeze through Pre-K, K and, um, even some of those other lower grades, but once your kids are in public/ private elementary school or homeschooling older grades you don't have the freedom to just up and do something fun. We do still plan beach days or field trips but the older kids know they’re certain subjects they’ll have to make up and instruments will still needed practiced by the end of the day. When everyone was little, I would try getting out of the house almost every day either for errands or social events but now, we need time at home to get some learning done. Plus, evening and weekend activities start encroaching on family time so we have to make an effort to schedule things like family visits to the aquarium, otherwise they might get lost in the shuffle.

What are some things you did with your first baby that in hindsight seem a little ridiculous?
Due to unrealistic expectations, I spent a lot of time discipling her before the age of two. (I cringed typing that.) Addie was an early talker and seemed very old for her age so I expected a lot of her, too much in fact. When she disobeyed I disciplined her severely. I realize now how developmentally inappropriate it was, (she was still learning right from wrong for goodness sake!) but as I had no experience with little children and I was terrified of having a spoiled brat, I over compensated to the point of absurdity. I still apologize to her for what I did, and thankfully she laughs at me for being a bad mom and then she explains how much better of a mom she’ll be, so apparently, no therapy is necessary for now.

Have you ever (metaphorically...or literally) locked yourself in the bathroom to stay sane?
Actually, for the first four or five years after we had kids, I always went to the bathroom with the door open. One, so I could keep and eye and ear on everyone and two, I got sick of the banging on the door. However once everyone got older, it was requested I keep the door shut and so now the bathroom is my go to place for peace, quiet and catching up on my Feedly. I’m not sure if the older kids have caught on yet or if they think I just have a tiny bladder.

Describe a moment, if you can remember one, where you definitely did not have it together.
If you ask my older kids, they will probably remember many times when they noticed Mama lock herself in her bedroom and then they’d hear me screaming into a pillow and punching the mattress. When the kids were all little, and I was almost always pregnant or nursing I had a lot of days that felt completely overwhelming. But now, I can’t think of the last time I had a melt down like that. Maybe because of age, experience, older kids; I’m not sure, but I know that the days of feeling like “I can’t do this” followed by a collapse into tears, or hysterical call to my husband at work, are rare if not non-existent.

What's an expectation for yourself/your kids/your husband that you have totally let go of?
That I could bake bread for us all. I let go of that long before I even had to give up gluten. At the end of the day, the kids will have to settle for store bought honey wheat bread and I have accepted that that doesn't make me the world’s worst mother.

How do you conquer nap strikes?
My kids transitioned from naps to quiet time. Even once they stopped sleeping, there was a set time every afternoon when they had to stay in bed quietly and read or play. That afternoon time saved my sanity many a time and it taught my kids that yes, you can entertain yourself quietly, alone for an extended period of time. I never was able to stick to much of a schedule with my kids, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t get them all on the same afternoon nap/ quiet time schedule even if it meant totally messing with the newest baby’s sleep patterns.

What's one specific thing you're glad that you've taught your older children?
Obedience. I’m not saying we don’t have our bad days and as the older ones get older there is some back talk but probably 95 percent of the time when I tell my kids to do something, they do it right away. Since Addie and Byron were toddlers, I’ve had the same set of rules posted on the refrigerator, and the ones in capital letters are “Obey Mama and Papa the first time you’re told to do something without sass or complaint. Do then ask.” and “Once given an answer, don’t ask again.” Any time these rules were broken, there was a consequence. Period. Yes, it was hard and when I got lax things would get out of control, but now that I’ve put in the hard work, the results speak for themselves. Having very clear rules from the get go meant everyone was on the same page as to what was expected. Now, I don’t waste time arguing with my kids. When I say, everyone out to the van, everyone goes to the van. When I say, pick up the mudroom and sweep the floor, it’s done. When I say schooltime, everyone gets to their desk.

What was your hardest transition after having a newborn? 0 to 1 kid? 1 to 2? 6 to 7? Why?
The first child was the hardest for me. I was so clueless as to what I should be doing, plus I was six hours from family and had no local friends with babies. And there were no other young couples at our parish. There were no blogs or online support groups. I felt utterly alone, wondering why having a baby wasn’t this wonderful experience, when I learned just after Addie turned three months, I was pregnant again. I was like, seriously God, I have no idea what I’m doing here and you’re sending us another one???? All in all, it made for a very bumpy ride for Addie’s first year. We moved shortly after Byron was born to be close to family and while I was still the only person in my circle of friends (or parish) to have two young children, the family help made it easier the next go round. After all that, numbers three, four and five seemed to be pieces of cake.

If you could go back and tell something to your newmom self, what would it be?
I wish I could’ve found a community of supportive moms where I was, but it was hard being in an unfamiliar city and in the early days of the internet. (Good grief, could I make myself sound any older?) Finding a community now is so much easier and SO IMPORTANT. I would’ve been so much happier had I found just one or two other moms I could’ve chatted with over coffee on a regular basis. Part of me thought I could muscle through it alone and that’s probably why it sucked. No mom needs to face the trials of motherhood alone, nor should she. Traditionally women had supportive communities surrounding them. Today that safety net is harder, but it’s worth the effort.

For more Before I Had a Seven Year Old posts: check out Kendra, Bonnie, Christy, and Colleen.

Before I Had a Seven Year Old: Christy from Fountains of Home

I had one of those glorious mornings of waking up at 5:50 with the hope of getting SOMETHING done in the beauty and quiet of the morning...but as the fates would have it, no such peace was mine. So I'm having one of those WHY DO I EVEN TRY???? mornings. So it's probably a good time to introduce you to one of my blogging buddies who's been at this motherhood thing a lot longer than I. So here's a steaming cup of solidarity for me and the rest of you from Christy. Christy writes at Fountains of Home, and you should definitely pay her a visit and check out her posts on faith and family and books. (Christy and I almost always agree about books.)

How many kids do you have and how old are they?

We've got 5 kidlets ages 7, 5, 4, 2 and 17 months. Yes, that is 5 kids in less than six years - so our children are very close in age and it's been quite the steep learning curve for me as a mom. Our biggest age gap is 26 months and our closest in age are only 11 months apart so I've always had more than one baby around and almost always toddlers too!

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles?

I can't quite speak to this question to the fullest extent since Gemma, my oldest, has just turned 7. My three oldest are pouring their own water, getting dressed themselves, and are already handling small chores like sweeping, unloading the dishwasher, putting away laundry etc and I can't believe the difference it makes! Even these small things feel absolutely epic to me who once was changing the diapers of three babies under three! They also are very good at entertaining each other and Max, the 2 year old. I find their playing together to be invaluable and one of the best things about having kids close together - so glad there are upsides!

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles?

Hahahahaha! You're probably going to have to get back to me after menopause in order for me to answer this one.

Oh wait, you said only littles. So I'd say being able to watch trashy tv or swear without them being instantly adversely affected. I know. I shouldn't miss these things, but personal growth and everything...

What are some things you did with your first baby that in hindsight seem a little ridiculous?

Probably compare their growth and progress on a monthly basis to other babies. I remember worrying over Gemma not crawling and not walking and when she should eat this or that, and I'm just so glad I'm not burning brain cells on that stuff anymore because really, babies just grow and you can just relax because infancy truly flies by and everyone really does learn to walk and talk and eat. I honestly have to stop and work out how many months Nora (my baby) is now because the monthly growth business doesn't even enter my mind anymore. I've become much better at enjoying whatever stage they're at because I have the perspective of a few children to know that even the most precious or frustrating stage is really a stage. There is light at the end of the tunnel/a sad time when they won't be a baby anymore. 

What's something you stressed about that doesn't stress you out at all anymore?

A lot about growth and development I think. I wish I took that back for my first baby. Also I just wish I didn't stress so much about changing their routines or sleeping arrangements so much. Babies adapt so much better than we think, we just have to stick to what we decide we want to do. Now when we want or need to change something we know there will be a period of adjustment that can be rough/exhausting/frustrating but that the child will eventually adapt and be fine. 

Describe a moment, if you can remember one, where you definitely did not have it together.

There's been a lot. I'm not going to lie. I think I've let naked toddlers deliberately spill boxes of cereal on the floor in order that I didn't have to get up with a sleeping baby on me. It is certainly difficult having three very small children all in diapers and being completely dependent on you for everything. I think that was the most challenging time for me, it was a very, very basic survival mode where I just had the expectation of getting through a day. And to be honest that expectation got me through. I think I've adjusted my level of what's acceptable a lot and it helps. I have an acceptable threshold of chaos. If I want to spend some time, I'm talking about 10 minutes, on the phone with a friend, writing a blog post, cooking dinner I have come to expect that a room will become a complete disaster. Sometimes that's just unavoidable. Does that mean I have it altogether? No, it means I'm mortgaging ten free minutes with a dirty basement.

I've had seven years of multiple babies/toddlers/children needing me constantly. I think if I go a day without having to lock myself in a bathroom I consider that a major win! 

What's an expectation for yourself/your kids/your husband that you have totally let go of?

I think one of the most important ones especially when all your kids are toddlers is to let go of the expectation that everyone will be happy all the time. I think this is a concept of parenting that really impedes us enjoying ourselves or being miserable all the time. It's really easy for us as moms to think we have to make our kids happy all the time, because when they're infants we have the ability to make them happy all the time, or for the most part anyway. But once you've got multiple children, especially toddlers not everyone is going to be happy all the time. There's going to be crying and whining; you're not going to make everything better for everyone in the same instant. I think once I figured this out, and I really had to once I had my third baby, I understood that I'd focus on meeting the most needy in the moment and move down the scale of neediness. The kids grew in patience and the knowledge that they're not the centre of the universe and I let go of the burden of believing that to be a good mother my children had to be happy, non-screaming, non-crying, non-whining at every waking moment. There is difference between caring for your children well and making them happy all the time. It's beyond exhausting and darn near impossible to make toddlers happy all the time. It didn't take me too long to figure this out, but once I made the realization it freed me to not feel like a failure on the days that my kids just whined and cried no matter what I did. 

Making the decision that my mood won't be dependent on their mood also helped a lot. It took my husband longer to learn that, and maybe we're both still learning that, but the babies can be crabby but that doesn't mean I have to be. I may need to remind myself of this axiom about 100 times a day, though.

How do you conquer nap strikes?

Well, I come down on them with the iron fist of motherly dictatorship. Seriously. Sleeping and napping to me are the most important thing in parenting. Which really tells you that my children are not old, and that I've dealt with a lot of toddlers at a time. But honestly, the best advice I can give any mother is to be religiously consistent with their kids and insist on naps from the start. It gives you freedom. It gives you time. It gives you that break for sanity. The best thing I've done with my babies is to sleep train them. I thought I really subscribed to attachment parenting before I had children, then once I had them I realized that my sanity could not tolerate a little time and space built into my day that I could depend on. I still believe in attachment parenting philosophically, I just don't feel the physical element is as important as the books say. So hopefully that doesn't make me heartless!

I'm so happy I taught them to fall asleep themselves when I put them down, and to expect that nap time everyday. It can be a struggle to get them to that point but it is so worth it, especially if you plan on more kids or are open to having no plan when it comes to future children because having a stable routine and babies that slept well was really a lifesaver when it came to having a bunch of kids in a short period of time. 

As a new mother, how did you find time for yourself?

My husband has always been really great in insisting I need time for myself and always being willing to take his shift of kid time. I live in a pretty isolated area and sometimes the only way I can get out and go to a Starbucks or a Costco is to leave for most of the day when he's home from work. When it's really hard for me to get out he always lets me sleep in on weekends and that has been a real sanity saver for me. To have a mini-break from getting up early and dealing with the morning chaos makes me feel refreshed and as if I actually have a weekend and I just can't recommend that small idea enough. Other things that help me when I don't have a bunch of time is even a half hour at Adoration, or maybe an hour locked in my room just reading. It feels frivolous at the time when you've got a filthy kitchen or unvacuumed mess, but doing a little of what refreshes you meaningfully makes a world a difference in the long haul of mothering babies who are up at all hours day in, day out. My family also lives close by and are always willing to take a kid or two no matter the time and I have quite pathetically called my mom at 6 am after being up all night with a baby begging for her to take my other kids and she always does!

How did you find time to encourage your marriage?

I don't know if I'm an expert in this subject because we don't get dates nights often, maybe a couple times a year - which is terrible if I think about it for more than a minute, so moving on quickly! 

Luckily we're both homebodies and we both look forward to just being home together. Because of our sleep training of the kids they've always gone to bed at a good hour and my husband and I usually spend some time doing our own thing, then do something together every night. We also always go to bed at the same time which hasn't been easy at different times of our marriage but it really lends more intimacy to our everyday that could easily not be there. It's a good habit in our marriage that we work at, even when it means my husband has learned to go to sleep with the light on as I read.

If you could go back and tell something to your newmom self, what would it be?

Probably it would be something like, you're going to get better at this. It's just so overwhelming to be a mom for the first time that everything feels so hard, and so unimaginable, and so tough. But every year you get better, which makes things easier even when you don't think it could be possible. I don't remember hearing that when I became a mom and I really wish I did. It's really nice to hear any kind of affirmation in your motherhood at any time in your motherhood career I think! 

Thanks for reading and thank you so much to Christy! And if any of you veteran moms are interested in sharing your own stories from the early years be sure to link up here.

Before I Had a Seven Year Old: Colleen Martin of Martin Family Moments

A big welcome to my friend Colleen who is doing this installment of Before I Had a Seven Year Old, a series where I ask women about their early experience of motherhood. 

Colleen blogs about family life over at Martin Family Moments. I knew I would ask Colleen to contribute to this series because of this little post she wrote about Mother's Day back in May. I'm so excited to have her here today.

 

How many kids do you have and how old are they?

I have six kiddos, John-Paul is 11, Andrew is 9, Eamon is 7, Maggie is 6, Alexander is almost 3, and Declan is 3 months.

What are the biggest differences in your home life now that you have slightly biggers running around and not just really littles?

I just need to start out by saying that the most difficult "season" of being a mother so far was when I had all little ones.  When my fourth baby was born, my oldest was only 4 years old. They all needed so much from me! When my 6th baby was born, my oldest was 11, and actually the oldest four kids are all at very easy ages. They are independent enough that they don't rely on me for everything, but not too old that I'm worried about a whole new set of parenting issues. They are in that sweet spot, which for me is the elementary school age group. When we leave the house, everyone can get themselves dressed and shoes on, help me carry a diaper bag, or hold the toddler's hand. They can all climb in the car and buckle themselves up. My main job now is to take care of the baby and shout out orders :)

What's something you miss about that stage of only really littles?

The grocery bills!!! Haha, they eat so much now, and we're not even in the teenage years yet! I think I also miss that they were all so very excited about anything we did - be it a trip to the playground, the library, Target. Everything was new and exciting and fun. Now, when I have to go run errands, I get a few moans and groans. When they are little, they don't talk back!

What's something you stressed about that doesn't stress you out at all anymore?

Breastfeeding.  I used to worry about how much milk I was making and would feed my firstborn on a schedule instead of on demand. I would always separate myself from a group to go feed the baby, and felt like I was missing out on fun parties and meals because of it. With the first baby, we had to supplement a bottle of formula at night because he was a teeny little one, and that stressed me out because "breast is best" and all that jazz. Now I'm just like, whatever, I breastfeed as long as everyone is happy, and give formula whenever it's needed. A happy and healthy baby AND mommy AND other family members are the goal.

Have you ever (metaphorically...or literally) locked yourself in the bathroom to stay sane? I want to hear about that moment.

When things get rough, I exercise to stay sane. It's my alone time and my mental health boost. I didn't discover how much I needed it until after my 4th baby was born, and once I made it a priority, everything in life felt easier. I used to have my sneakers on and as soon as my husband would get home from work, I would hand him the baby and jet out the door for a quick run. Sometimes I give myself timeouts when I can tell I'm especially grumpy or angry and go take a shower or lay down in bed for 15 minutes, thanking God for all the blessings I have. Because a thankful heart is a happy heart, some wise VeggieTales told me.

As a new mother, how did you find time for yourself?

Yeah, I didn't do too hot on that. I think most new moms devote themselves to the kids and forget to make some time for themselves for their mental and physical health. My breaks back then were in the form of grocery shopping sans kids once my husband returned home from work. Once I realized I could join a gym that offered childcare, my breaks were working out for an hour in the morning while the kids played. I can't emphasize the importance of finding some exercise time to moms.

How did you find time to encourage your marriage?

I'll let you in on a little secret of marital success - put the kids to bed early!! Phil and I have about 2 hours every night that we are awake and by ourselves, and it's awesome. We try to get all our household chores and work done before 8 pm and can watch tv together, talk, eat something fancier than normal, whatever. Of course, all that alone time is probably why we have so many kids :)

How did you build community for yourself and for your family?

This is something that has taken us years and years to do. We are so lucky that many of our friends are people who work with us or go to our parish. We purposely chose jobs and a parish that allowed for that. Back when I started having babies and didn't know a lot of people, I joined a Moms Club and did activities with them, which really helped alleviate that lonely feeling you get being a SAHM. Then we started having Sunday night football parties during football season, which morphed into Sunday night game nights when football was over. Those times were really wonderful because most of the people who came didn't have kids, so we could just put our kids to bed and not worry about a babysitter but still have social time. Once we joined our current parish, we met some lovely families that have become friends, and anytime we've been involved in a group (like a Men's Prayer Group, or my bookclub) we have the opportunity to make new friends. You can't make friends by isolating yourself in your house all day. Even though sometimes I would like too :)

What's one specific thing you're glad that you've taught your older children?

That children are a blessing.  See their reaction when we told them we were expecting baby #6 :)

What was your hardest transition after having a newborn? 0 to 1 kid? 1 to 2? 6 to 7? Why?

The hardest was going from 2 to 3 kids for many reasons. One, your two oldest are not very old and still need a lot of help. Two, your hands are outnumbered by your kids and going anywhhere becomes a safety and logistical nightmare. And three, our third baby was colicky and definitely my most difficult baby.  

If you could go back and tell something to your newmom self, what would it be?

Everything is a passing phase. When you're going through it, it fells like forever, but it doesn't last. That goes for all the good and bad things associated with being a parent. Also, it gets easier as they get older. Pinky swear.

Thanks for reading and thank you so much to Colleen! And if you veteran moms are interested in sharing your own stories from the early years be sure to link up here.