Where did the time go?! I thought children grew up fast, but no, move-dates approach fast. When we started this whole gig a few months ago, our move date felt like a lifetime away. And here it comes and there is so much to do, and I can do. . . almost none of it.
Like I seriously would be more helpful gone. So I might skip town and visit my folks so Jacob can work all hours without fielding my frantic family-update texts.
Up for some honesty? Well if you'll excuse, I'm gonna change gears here and spew some words at you. My FEELINGS. I need to VENT them.
This remodel has been really hard for me emotionally.
Initially I was struggling because I wasn't getting to help. This was a dream of ours, and I was barely getting to be part of it. And I was a little heartbroken.
I eventually decided to distance myself from the project entirely. I kinda acted like it wasn't going on and started treating it a little like Jacob's job. He was at work. He and my brother would talk about it at night, and I would just check out. It was easier for a little while until he started working on it a lot, till all hours of the night, and it seemed like he'd abandoned us for his pet project.
He'd come home utterly exhausted and see me on the couch also exhausted. My natural response was usually one of: "Hello, man who got me pregnant and then left me alone with his banshee offspring, your day was hard?? Did your hammer skip his nap and then insist on being held all morning? Did your jigsaw completely refuse to eat lunch because you couldn't find his ducky plate and throw himself on the floor? No, they just...behaved exactly as you would expect? Hmm. Sounds terrible."
And he'd be like: "I'm building our house."
And I'd be like: "Blah blah blah."
(I am typically better at empathy than this. Just not with my husband.)
Yeah so... the whole turn myself off wasn't working well. It was easier in some ways. Easier to be angry than...sad.
What I had to realize is that it was OK that I was sad. Of course I had to be sad. I have these kiddos, and I love them, and they are my biggest dream come true, and I get to stay home and draw blimps and fire hydrants for them all day, and I think that's what's best for my family right now...but it still means I'm missing out on something, something I would've loved to be more involved in, and it was OK to be sad about that.
For the last week I've been turning myself back on again, opening myself back up to this sadness. I channeled a little Rudy and decided to give it my best from the sidelines. And it's been good. It feels good. I even had a friend watch the kids for a few hours the other day so I could help seal tile, and I suffered the kids through trips to the hardware store and the countertop supply with the guys, instead of staying home and moping.
It's still frustrating. I don't get to help hardly ever, and I'm putting the kids to bed by myself basically every night. I still get a little jealous. But things are much better this way.
Yesterday evening, even though I wasn't expecting them for hours, my little brother and Jacob came home at six, and my little brother promptly started feeding the baby. He paused and couldn't hide the excitement in his voice when he said: "Katie, it's looking so good over there. So good."
Jacob nodded in agreement.
And I felt my heart swell.
There I was. In the kitchen. Sauteing cabbage and scrubbing crusted oatmeal off the counter, just like usual. And my heart was swelling.
So now for pics of some groutless terra cotta tiles and raw trim.
The boys both agreed that the (18 hour) days they spent tiling were pretty much the hardest they'd ever worked in their lives. So. Props to the tilers of the world.
Last weekend was trim. And now they can get to grouting and finally finally finishing the kitchen cabinets.
(And - despite what this picture may suggest - we didn't paint our walls honey brown.)
For the countertops, we've decided on a Lyra Silestone.
So they will hopefully go in next week, and if they don't the boys assure me we can throw down some plywood as a stop gap. *fingers crossed*